What Do I Do If I See Something Wrong at Church?

I am very thankful to be part of a church that deeply desires and wholeheartedly runs after God. I hope that is your experience as well. However, we all know that churches aren't filled with perfect people; they're filled with people who have recognized their brokenness. So what do we do if we see something and know it needs to be fixed? What if you get hurt? What if you think you may have hurt someone? No matter what church you attend, you're going to encounter mess. In fact, it is probably a good indication that you're at a healthy church! People who seem to be completely mess-free are usually hiding something. Here is guide that Jesus laid out for handling conflict in church, and I've found it very practical and helpful: "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector" (Matthew 18:15-17 ESV). Let's look at each piece of the process I see here.

Talk Directly with the Person

If someone hurts you (or you hurt them), go talk to them about it. This may seem like such an obvious thing, but do we ever really do this naturally? I find it much more natural to go talk to my friends about that person and what they did. Confrontation is hard, gossiping is easy and relieves some of the tension. However, we know when we look at scripture that this is not the way. We need to be brave, suck it up, and just talk to the person. Let them know how it made you feel. Don't rip into them, just tell it from your point of view. Don't shove scripture in their face, but have some scripture verses to humbly back up your point of view. Prayerfully approach the situation and ask God to give you the words of truth and grace that he would use in that situation.

Don't Hide Behind Emails (Especially Anonymous Ones)

This one is a hard one for me. It's much easier to just touch a sticky situation with the 29 1/2 foot pole called email. When you send an email, you don't have to see how the person reacts and feel uncomfortable, but you feel like you've done some good. Bedsides, writing an email will help you send your full thoughts, right? You may have many good reasons to send an email, but one thing is for sure: It's far less personal and it can add layers of confusion instead of simplifying things. With an anonymous email, they won't even have a chance to ask clarifying questions and you won't be able to be part of the fix. Sure, you could get something off your chest, but do you honestly think that person or your church leadership are going to pull a complete 180 because you hid behind an email? Honor your relationship and pull them aside, pick up the phone or set a day to talk.

Bring in Church Leadership

If you find that you haven't made headway in your conflict resolution, it's time to get leadership involved. I think it's best to let the person know that you would like to ask for a leader in the church to help you work through this with them. If the person is already in leadership, ask other leaders in the church to walk through this with you both. Do this in a loving way, and don't back down just because they get upset. Do your best to treat the situation like you are bringing in consultants to help you both handle a puzzling project. It's not about shaming another person, it's about making a moment for growth.

Get Involved and Be the Fix

In Keeping Your Love On, Danny Silk compellingly reminds us that we are to be the ones who stop the cycles of confusion and hurt in the lives of those around us. Asking yourself, "What can I do?" is much more helpful for everyone than saying to someone else, "Look what they did to me!" Make sure that you're part of the solution, not making a bigger problem. If God has pointed out to you an issue that he wants to correct in your church, he is probably laying it on your heart to make a change.

Leave It

In this process of conflict resolution, this step is the very last resort, yet some people leave their relationships and their churches like it's always the best option to conflict. Yes, this option was laid out by Jesus. He allows it. However, it should never be your first option, especially if it means leaving church entirely. If you never try to reconcile, you're cheating yourself out of an opportunity to bring healing to many people, including yourself. If you head out before you should, you are being negligent in your service to everyone who comes after you.

That being said, leaving is sometimes necessary. If the leadership of the church you're in are unwilling to follow scripture, are unrepentantly harboring sin in their lives, or are perpetuating a toxic culture that they aren't trying to fix, it may be time to leave. Take time to pray about this. Talk with leaders who will respect and challenge you. Remember that you may just be the person who is meant to help fix this. Or maybe it's time to leave so that you can be of better use elsewhere.

Bottom Line

The mess you see in church is an opportunity for you to bring growth and healing to a situation.

As it says in Proverbs, "Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox" (Proverbs 14:4 ESV). In other words, it's easier to just not deal with people, but then there is no teamwork and less gets done. Things get messy when people are around, but that's the way that God has chosen to do his work. He loves to partner with his messy people to bring about great changes in the world, including changes in us.

Question:

Who do you need to talk to at church? If you're in the middle of conflict now, what can you do to get back into this process laid out by scripture?