A Messy Guide to Loss
Loss Is Messy
Each of us have lost someone or something important to us. When you were a child, you might have broken a toy or a bone or watched as your parents' relationship fell apart. You have probably lost a grandparent, aunt or even someone in your immediate family. Whatever the situation, there is no clean formula for loss. We see the Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief, tell us how it will most likely go down, but we all know there is no consistent pattern. Each loss hits us in different ways, so we never seem to find a good defense against the unpredictable flood of emotions that batter us from all angles.
Our Loss
At the end of January 2017, my wife and I found out that our child had passed away just hours after we had happily announced our second baby on social media. We thought we'd waited a long enough time to be sure that there wouldn't be any issues. We were dumbfounded, confused, and broken. I remember grasping onto the meatloaf and mash potato lunch that I'd just purchased at work while I heard Angela's voice gasp out the words I hoped I would never hear. Rushing through a nearly tear-stained conversation with my manager, I headed over to the OBGYN to be with my wife and daughter in a daze. I wept on the way a few times and came to pieces when I saw Angela, letting out deep, wretched-sounding sobs as we held each other. I never knew I could love someone so much who I had never met.
Loss Doesn't Mean Defeat
One question that kept coming to my mind as I processed through this loss was, "Why weren't my prayers answered?" Within my daily prayer list was a section titled "Unborn child" that read:
Psalms 18:16 (ESV) He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.
Give me a verse for this child
Joy
Calling
These were meant to remind me about the topics I wanted to pray about for our unborn child. The first line was scripture I wanted to pray through. I have specific scriptures picked out for a few select people based on what I believed God was speaking to me to pray over them. I remember when God impressed upon me Psalm 18:16 and thinking, "That's weird. What does that even mean? Is this child going to experience a lot of difficulty?" I wrote the second line because I wanted a specific verse for when I knew the gender and thought it had to be less strange than the one I had already. The last two lines are self-explanatory.
As I thought about these things while we were with some close friends a few days after we found out, I realized that the prayers I had been praying had absolutely been answered. Let me be clear before I go on: I do not believe that God caused our child to die. I also do not believe that this miscarriage was caused by any sin we committed. I believe that sin has caused brokenness and separation from God in creation, so therefore things often don't function as God designed them to.
Humanity's sin is far reaching and devastating and we will not be immune to its effects until Jesus comes or we pass away. I knew that whatever unknown issue or problem, whether chromosomal or something else, that caused our child's death, God entered into the situation and drew our child's soul to himself. God gave me that scripture to pray because, being outside of time, he wanted me to bring that comfort into existence for my child and me through my prayers.
I also know that my child's joy is complete in Jesus as he or she now lives in perfect community with God. As for our child's calling, I won't be able to see its effects clearly until I enter into that same community with God. I can say now though that our child's purpose is clear in my life. In our child's existence, and especially in our child's passing, I learned to lean on Jesus as I learned to serve and love the way Christ does.
Naming Your Victory
Angela and I ended up giving a name to our child to celebrate its life. We enjoyed Mia's second birthday just a few days after we found out. It was a time of tender celebration of life and God's sovereignty over every situation. We will forever remember this loss not with bitterness, but with that cleansing sorrow that turns into the sweet embrace of God.
Mourn Well
Whether you're currently grieving or want to help comfort someone else, the perfect approach is to bring your mess to God. If you've lost something or someone, God longs for you to reach out to him for comfort. Jesus declared, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4 ESV). If you want to be there for someone who is mourning, reach out to God for wisdom and a heart that beats in unison with his. Quality words trump quantity words every time.
This post isn't a guide to loss. It is a pointer to the Guide who knows what it is to lose everything and have it all again. God chose to let his son sacrifice himself so that he could draw close to humanity once again, exchanging our brokenness for his righteousness. Mourning's purpose is accomplished in connecting us with the source of joy.
Question: Have you mourned well? Is there something that you still haven't processed through with God?