How Much Forgiveness Is Enough?
As humans, our natural tendency is toward excess. We want to live large and don’t like when we run into limitations with our energy, time, money and other resources. When people hurt us or stop us from doing something we want, we often retaliate in excessive ways, getting back at people in a way that we don’t realize is far worse than the wound they made. This may not always be obvious to us since we're usually more aware of what hurts than what hurts others.
We see this modeled super clearly near the beginning of the Bible. Lamech comes along a few generations after Adam, and he celebrates the retribution he deals out on another person with the two wives he’s collected:
“Lamech said to his wives: ‘Adah and Zillah, hear my voice; you wives of Lamech, listen to what I say: I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for striking me. If Cain's revenge is sevenfold, then Lamech's is seventy-sevenfold.’” - Genesis 4:18-19, 23-24 ESV
Talking about your actions as killing someone may seem hyperbolic, but I know that we are tempted to respond harshly on a regular basis, killing others’ happiness because they poked us.
What did Jesus say we should do when we run into similar situations where we’re given the opportunity to sting someone back?
“Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” - Matthew 18:21-22 ESV
It’s clear that Peter had intended to impress Jesus with how many times he was willing to forgive someone. After all, how many times are we really expected to forgive someone? However, Jesus, in his typical fashion, throws us a curveball: Forgive others so many times that you’ll lose count. And here’s the really fascinating part: Jesus’ exchange with Peter exactly reflects the pattern of Lamech’s poem to his wife: It escalates from 7 times to 77 times.
Here’s the point that Jesus is making with this reference: We must push ourselves towards forgiveness with the same intensity with which we would naturally dish out retribution.
To be clear, forgiveness is not reconciliation; it is a choice to let go of our need for vengeance. It is not placing yourself in danger or in a place where someone can intentionally hurt you over and over again. Reconciliation is when each person comes to a place where they see things from the other’s point of view and commits to changing to love the other better.
We must try to reconcile with others when possible, but that’s a two-way street, and we cannot control others. Sometimes reconciliation is impossible because the other person had died, or because they are unwilling to do the hard work of reconciling.
So start with the process of forgiving those who have hurt you, making a choice in your heart to let forgiveness have free reign in your life. Forgiveness only needs one person: You.
Some of these thoughts were gleaned from this podcast episode by Tim Mackie. Be sure to check it out!
Here’s another post I wrote about forgiveness.