Whether you're single or married, independent or living at home, an only child or one of six, unemployed or a CEO, you have someone in your life who you have grown close to and can start to see some (or a lot) of their faults. The questions become: How long is this change going to take? If they aren't changing, does that mean they don't love me? Why is this so hard?

My wife, Angela, and I are very much in love, but there have been plenty of times in our marriage when we have asked these questions. Those thoughts are often followed by grunts of frustration and throwing our hands in the air. The questions keep coming, and sometimes there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. How should we respond when things are going that way?

Fundamental Changes

The US military developed this simulator a while back to help their pilots learn how to fly and combat enemy troops. They even built some AI into the simulated soldiers so that they would run for cover when they heard the helicopter coming and start shooting at it.

Australia became interested in the simulators and bought some to help train their pilots. Rather than reinventing the wheel, the contractors modified the simulator by making the terrain seem like Australia and changing the soldiers to look like kangaroos. Then, they took it for a test flight. Everything was going well until they came upon a group of kangaroos.

Suddenly, the kangaroos sprinted to the nearest bushes, whipped out rifles, and started shooting at the helicopter! The programmers changed the appearance of the kangaroos, but they'd forgotten to change their behavior. They thought that all they had to do was make the soldiers look like animals. That's not the way it works.

In the same way, you can't expect that every unflattering characteristic and flaw will suddenly disappear just because you confront someone in your life. Sometimes, the outside can change quickly, but we must make fundamental changes before we act more like Jesus.

Our Story

Angela and I went through an incredibly tough first year and then some. Many of our fights revolved around false expectations that the other person was not meeting. Whether it was about dishes, relationships, how we were supposed to interact with family, or how the sheets should be arranged on the bed, we always saw areas where the other person was immature and had to grow. Worse, our spouses, friends, parents, or children never seemed to grow as quickly as we thought they should.

We have been steadily moving toward a more Christ-exalting marriage, but it has taken a lot of time, energy, and help from others. Our marriage is more joyful, harmonious, and effective now than ever. We are still moving toward this goal. I invite you to take some of the steps below that we have.

Thoughts and Actions

1. Remember that people should not be just like you: God made everyone to be different than you. Don't get bogged down by others' weaknesses. Instead, focus on the strength on the other side of that coin. For example, if someone is "too sensitive," he may also be very aware of what will bless or hurt the relationship. Strengths Finder is an excellent way to identify your strengths and learn to work together better.

2. Focus on your growth: You are ultimately responsible for your actions and development, not for others. When you stand before God, you will answer for how you interacted with them, not how badly they treated you. On the flip side, the Bible promises that we will receive incredible rewards for the good we do, even in the face of adversity (or a pile of dirty dishes).

3. Get a mentor: You'll need someone to keep you on point. One of the essential things you can do is have leaders around you who will keep you accountable and on track. Not only can a mentor support you as an individual, but you may be more motivated to make changes when you know that person will ask you about it the next time you meet.

A Final Thought

Looking at your spouse, friends, children, parents, siblings, and coworkers from an eternal perspective helps you remember that you can stick it out and make it happen. Don't let yourself get bogged down by thinking about the months or years when you’ve only moved a few inches. Keep pressing into God, and remember that your effort and heart are most significant. You and those you care about will probably not change instantly. What is happening beneath the surface is what matters.